Current mood:

thankful

Bittersweet
So today was my last day at RAF. It was a bittersweet day. I realized that of all the projects I was working on, I got zero finished before I left. Sure two just need final sign offs to make them complete by RAF standards, but for my standards there was all the project documentation and creation of the project summaries I didn't get a chance to do and I know no one else will do them. What I really feel bad about is that I handed off a couple things to a co-worker that's also a good friend. He's the last one left from the glory days of the Development team and the only one that even know the programming language(VB.Net & ASP.Net) and would even have a clue as to the object models. I said I would get the items finished before I left, but circumstances didn't allow it in one situation (which I don't feel that bad about) and in the other I majorly screwed up estimating how complex the changes would be. I tried to bang out the solution, but left one part unfinished. It really sucks when you believe your invincible and then realize that you are flawed. Guess God wants me to be more humble, but it so hard!!

In the end, I was sad to leave behind 2 guys that have become great friends over the years and the co-workers who I loved. I think those that remain will do very good work. In particular, the other Project Manager I think will be a great Project Manager someday as soon as she's able to really have a project of her own. Currently, the BIG project which she was brought in to manage is being managed by upper Management more than by her. When they give her a shot, she'll really fly though I have no doubt.

The sweetness comes from just being able to break away. The direction the company has taken recently I just don't know where I fit in. It feels really good to know that the CTO, Executive of Projects, my boss and my boss's counterpart in St. Louis all said that if I wanted/needed a job in the future that I'd be welcome back. I got asked to reconsider once, but my decision is made and no turning back now. Still, I could see myself working for RAF again.

Someone asked me that when I resigned and in these last days if I took pleasure in throwing this new and higher wage job at them. I said "no". Yes, there is a level of satisfaction in having proof that I was overworked and underpaid. There are those thoughts and hopes that maybe my former employer will realize that technology people, good technology people, are hard to find and they must do more to keep them around than a "atta-boy" at the end of a project where they put in the extra mile (or thousand hours). But really I don't expect it to change. Of course there are certain things I cannot say to management, but to those I can be honest with I said that I will miss the people and what the company was. I will not miss what it has become. Perhaps it will change in the future, but the problems that exist are not the problems the execs see. The problems are in communication and respect to those in the trenches. The problem is motivation and reward. If there is a bonus at the end of this BIG project, it will be a BIG surprise because its never been spoken about. If 100 hours in a week is needed, you're just expected to do it and not complain. That I call dis-respect. The consultant companies know the bonus they're shooting for (nice $$$ by the way), but we (or they now) have nothing but hope to draw on and even the well of faith can run dry after you drink from it the number of times we have in the past.

Don't get me wrong, management did many great things for me. My boss directed me towards project management and I wouldn't be here today without her help. She mentored me, allowed me to make mistakes and recover, and to grow. But this past year was very different in that there became a wall between management and myself. My words never seemed to go anywhere or be heard (except for one notable exception, but even that I think was more just to humor me). At the end, I learned that either A) my words were heard and action was being taken or B) I had the exact same thoughts as the CTO on what to do. But this might be even worse because I never Heard anything in return until it was to late. This comes back to communication and respect. Respect for my position, my education, and my ideas. Respect for my ability to be more than just a workhorse and to accepted as a someone with a future, a career, and a voice.

So let's wrap this up: I'm not bitter, I love my (former) co-workers, I love my old workplace, I had a great time, I have great memories, I'm thankful for everything, and I'd go back in a heartbeat but not to the same job. If they offered me a position with a Voice I'd come back, but unfortunately in the new International company you have to have a VP in your title to be heard and I pretty sure they don't look at me that way. To them I'm a great worker, not a great future.